Remembering Carol

 

"One of the most beautiful qualities of true 
friendship is to understand and to be understood".

Lucius Annaeus Seneca

Many years ago I worked at several VA hospitals after retiring from the Army and going to college for my Social Worker degree.  During the course of those years I met a multitude of great people who also worked there. It didn't matter to me wether a person was black, white, Asian, Hispanic; we all were just people and for the most part, we got along well. But, it also depended on what region you were in; and believe me, people are different according to what part of the country you are in. 

  I wanted to share a personal Facebook message between myself and a young lady I had the pleasure of working with in Louisville, KY. her name: Carol Graf, the most hardcore Louisville Cardinal fan I have ever met. These were written in 2011. Please read to the end. 

• Carol Graf

  
  

  Dearest Dennis: I wanted to tell you that I read your blogs every time you post. Every time I read them I am totally amazed at your writing talent. It is so impressive. You are so inspirational and although you are such a spiritual man, your messages do not focus totally on that. You have such a nice way of incorporating your beliefs and the every day aspects of life. I look forward to reading them. You are such a talented man. I truly miss you Dennis. I enjoyed our daily encounters at work so much. I feel so blessed that you came into my life. I love you my friend.

  Carol
• 8 March 2011
• 

  08/03/2011 10:06
  

  Dennis Earl Spain
  

  
  
  

  My dearest carol, It is always so good to hear from you. I appreciate your kind words. I think of you always and I will always consider you to be a true friend. Have a most grand day. I still plan to visit you. Dennis
• 21 April 2011
• 

  21/04/2011 06:38
  

  Dennis Earl Spain
  

  
  
  

  Hi Carol. I am still among the living. I miss you and I pray for you daily. Love you always.
• 22 April 2011
• 22/04/2011 18:59
  

  Carol GrafDearest Dennis:
  

  I am so sorry that I have neglected you, my friend. Sometimes, I work so many hours at work and I just come home, look at FB for a minute and then get off. But, I do read your blogs every day. They are inspirational to me, but sometimes they sadden me because I sense that you are having a hard time. So, I am going to give you my numbers, and if you want to or need to, you give me a call. Even if you just want to talk about nothing at all, it would be my pleasure to listen. I am doing well, just working too much. I still come home to my four-legged best friend every day. I saw Eddrenna yesterday and asked about you. I told her you needed to come volunteer for a few days a week. So, my apologies again to you for not keeping in touch. I promise I will be more mindful of that. My cell phone number is 693-####; my home number is 333-####. You call any time, day or night....I mean it.

  I hope you and your family has a wonderful Easter. Love you and miss you my friend,

  Carol
• 24 April 2011
• 

  24/04/2011 08:31
  

  Dennis Earl Spain
  

  
  
  

  Hi Carol. Here's a big hug for you. Kisses, too.
• 

  24/04/2011 09:56
  

  Carol Graf
  

  
  
  

  right back to you my man!
• 11 August 2011
• 

  11/08/2011 16:13
  

  Dennis Earl Spain
  

  
  
  

  Hi Carol. Marlyce's oldest daughter has died. Keep her in prayer.

  Carol died shortly after this series of messages.  Unbeknownst to her or her doctors, she had developed cancer. I cannot speculate as to what type of cancer it was but it took her quickly. Everyone was in shock. Carol always joked with me and would say, "If I was into men, you would be just my type"; and then we would laugh out loud. She was the sweetest person.  After Carol passed away I was inclined to send one last message to her Facebook page.

 

Dennis Earl Spainposted to‎Carol Graf

15 October 2011

Carol, We didn't get a chance to talk again after I left Louisville but we certainly had good times in the Business Office together with all of the others. You were the glue that held us all together. Your sense of humor was unmatched and I will personally miss the love in your eyes and the hugs I received from you whenever we met. I lost my breath when I learned that you had gone to be with God, but I will smile each time I look at the stars at night. I will miss you and love you always, my dearest friend.

Love your friends while it is day.
I love you all, 
Dennis

1

Goodbye Stephanie

  

Today I worked hard. It was extremely hot today; 90 degrees, to be exact. We had quite a deluge of rain last week and my lawn had sprung to an unacceptable height.  I finally whipped up the nerve to go and tackle it at around 1:30 this afternoon.  Our home sits on nearly an acre of land and this is when I truly appreciate investing in a riding mower some years ago.  I toiled for hours, it seemed.  It was a good feeling, getting dirty and sweaty. I cut and I trimmed and I hedged and I raked and soon it was over.  man, I wondered why I decided to live in a home with such a large yard.  

  As I was winding up from my labour, my wife had come home. She came to the back yard where I was working with a bottle of cold water in her hand.  She told me some news she had just learned from a Facebook post.  "Do you remember Stephanie"? Stephanie was a young woman in Louisville, Kentucky who worked at the YMCA after school program where David attended when my wife and I both worked for the VA hospital there.  "She died in her sleep last night", she said suddenly and with disbelief.  A few years ago when we lived in Kentucky Stephanie's oldest son, (he was about 15), fell into a coma while playing one day. She refused to let him die and had him placed in a facility where he could be looked after. She had such hopes that he would someday awaken. What a burden that must be on a mother's heart.

  I froze for an instant; as if that would help me better understand what I had just heard.  Suddenly the tiredness from working on my lawn dissipated. I had no more thoughts of things to complain about.  In fact, I was happy to have had the strength to complete my tasks. 

 Stephanie was gone; leaving behind a young son, a husband and many friends and family.

  After hearing this news I concluded that there was absolutely nothing bad about my personal day today. I realized that even in sadness I have life and even in sickness and pain I have breath.  I have my loved ones to see, touch and speak to.  The old adage which recants "Life is too short" is more true than we sometimes give it credit.

  Love everyone.
  I love you all,
  Dennis

Thoughts On The 13th

 It's Friday night; Friday the 13th to be exact.  I'm not accustomed to superstition so this date has never troubled me.  David and I had an extremely productive day. I love driving my Dodge Challenger, as some of you know, so I am almost always willing to take a drive.  Since David is out of school for the Summer, I make it a point to involve him in my daily goings-on.  Tomorrow is Father's Day but I have nothing special planned. My wife keeps asking me what I want as a gift and what special activity do I wish to do. I can think of absolutely nothing.  I am very blessed to actually be able to say, "I have everything I want". 

  I am aware of nearly every minute of my day. I focus in on the little things and I cherish them. Anything from time spent with my family to a text or Facebook message from one of my friends is usually what makes my day in a massive way.  

  I know health care at VA hospitals are in the news lately because of long and fictitious waiting list for Veterans.  Being one of those Veterans I can attest that much of this is very true.  About a week ago my back injury, (brought on by an injury during my Army career), flared up very badly; so much to the point that I could not attain a comfortable position standing or lying down. Long story short; I went to my provider at my clinic, provider wasn't in so I saw a nurses, nurse had my blood drawn, asked me a battery of questions, promised me that I'd be seen by another provider who was present,  sent me to the waiting room, called me back in her office an hour later, and then told me to go get X-Rays at the main hospital.  And all of that without anyone so much as laying a finger on me to examine me.

  I went to the VA hospital the next morning to take the X-Rays. After being fumbled over in the X-Ray room by an intern who had much trouble operating the equipment, I was told to go home. "When will I know the results of my X-Ray", I asked.  "Oh, we'll call you in about 3-4 weeks", the technician said.  My wife was with me and she said, "We're going to the emergency room". After an hour more of waiting I finally saw a physician and complained to her that I have never been examined.  She uttered some words in defense of the caretakers before me and, almost reluctantly, began to examine me. 

  I was given some Motrin and told to go home. They said it was only muscle spasms.

  I thank God that I am still alive.
  Dennis
  

Finding My Child-like Faith Again

"Doubt is a pain too lonely to know that faith is his twin brother"

  -Khalil Gibran

  This week has been difficult for so many reasons. Normally I try not to focus on myself too much, but sometimes it cannot be avoided.  Several times this week my heart and mind was  attuned to the still, small voice of God. It present while I was  driving my car, when I was shopping, when I was with my family, when I was happy and even when I became sad or upset.  This morning I purposely put my faith into action like I have not done in quite some time.

  In my flesh, I am reminded of the many sweet things life has brought to me such as good health. Aside from the aches and pains I have developed from my military service I am still very much happy.  I have good friends, loving family members and security.  I am thankful for having had loving parents who chose to let me be born.  

 On the other hand, in my spirit, I am reminded of the hope of another life; one without pain and suffering, without malice or despair, without hurt and tears, without pain and where we are told we shall never grow old.  

  These things I have been taught since I was a child, but let me tell you that holding onto these beliefs has not always been easy for me; and still every now and then I struggle to hold on.  We are naturally drawn towards things that make us smile and things that make us feel good.  It is during those times we are ever mindful of how good and faithful God is. But then there comes a time when we are lonely, ostracized  mistreated by those who said that they loved us, suffering in our bodies because of some relentless sickness or disease, the loss of a loved one, the loss of a job, divorce, bankruptcy or the repossession of a house or automobile.  Although we may recall the Bible verse which tells us "but mankind is born unto trouble, as surely as sparks fly upward" (Job 5:7) that still is not enough to assuage the anguish we feel when trials come into our life. 

  In my "listening" on this week the popular theme seems to be that of encouragement. Encouragement to step out on faith.  Am I the only one who can hear the inward voice of God urging me to stop dying slowly and to trust Him as never before? It's as if He is saying "Go get your blessing".  I know you can feel it in your own spirit.

  When I was a young man I had the greatest of dreams and aspirations for my life and when I came to know God my hopes and dreams became astronomical. There was nothing I could not do if I truly put my mind to it.  I could care less as to who would tell me that my desires were not attainable. I wasn't deterred about such things as not having enough education or enough money or how many others did not achieve what I was seeking after or what color my skin was because I was seeking and believing God for ME.  There is much to be said about youth; for when we are young it is so easy to believe in "impossible" things but as we grow older the cares of this life and our belief that it is solely up to us to make things happen in our life and life's constant distractions lessen our connection with the supernatural that surrounds us each day.  There comes a time when we must forsake our hinderances and go back to that wilderness, meditate and pray and seek that source which we knew so intimately as children.  He is, after all, that same God.

Woe unto he/she who sits upon the porch in their old age and wishes they had done things differently.

  Today I am stepping forward where I see no floor. I am believing that He will make His will to be made known in my life.  I want to trust Him as I did when I was a child; all the while remembering that His thoughts are not my thoughts and His ways are far above my own.  

  There is so much more to say, but I will close this dialogue for now.
  I love you all,
  Dennis     

  

My Tuesday Morning Dream

  

  It is now 4:30 a.m. and I am wide awake; largely due to a very vivid dream I had earlier.  I have not been able to get a very good night's sleep since I returned from Operation Desert Storm while in the Army. When I do sleep it is usually inundated by dreams of the war or some type of activity involving my being back in the Army. The dreams are so real that when I awake I almost immediately thank God that I am actually in my bed and in my home and far from anything military. 

  Although serving nearly 24 years in the Army has afforded me and my family security my recurring dreams often remind me that success is not free, but rather comes at a cost. 

  This morning my dream was not of a military nature at all, but in a church setting. (I suppose sometimes dealing with "church folk" can be considered a battlefield, but that is another story).  I will give a brief synopsis of my dream so as not to bore you:

  In my dream I seemed to have held some sort of a position in the church. I recall walking into a large room where the men of the church were gathered for some sort of service or meeting. I did not see any of the women of the church.  As I entered the room I immediately noticed a man; a stranger, standing at the head of the room addressing the men of the church.  After listening to him for a brief time I noticed that he was spewing some sort of new doctrine which he attributed to a great "woman of God".  Although he spoke of worshiping and traditions and activities that were totally contrary to biblical teachings he was very compelling and the silence within the room was evidence that he had captured the attention of the men in attendance.  

  I approached the stranger and asked him if he had actually seen any of the "miracles" he described. He said that he had not. I asked him by what authority did he come before this group of men and to lecture them. He said it was by his own authority that he addressed the group. I then told him to cease his questionable oration and to have a seat.  He did so.

  Later, the Bishop of our church came into the facility and sat down in his seat in the center of the pulpit. Before the Bishop could utter a word to the group of men and women, (at this time the room was filled with the women of the church as well), the stranger stood up from where he was seated and walked towards the front of the church to where the bishop was seated;  spewing out the same ungodly message he had been speaking earlier to the group of men with every step he took.  The stranger got down on both knees before the Bishop and said, "Bishop, my sword had been taken away from me earlier, (referring to my sitting him down), but that's okay because I decided to bring my own sword".  He stood up, faced the congregation and without permission proceeded, once again, to speak his "doctrine" to the church. The Bishop was noticeably very patient but soon politely smiled and gently motioned for the church security to remove the man from the building.

  Later, it was learned that the man was making his rounds among the single women of the church; living off of them until he could no longer drain them and then moved on to another woman. He was even able to seduce the Bishop's daughter.  Attendance of the younger church women  became noticeably scarce but the church remained calm and continued on with its duties.  By next Sunday all of the single women who had previously left the church under the stranger's influence had returned to the church. No condemnation was spoken to them by the Bishop or the other members of the church. The stranger was never seen again.

  Note: I will not attempt to convey my thoughts on this dream. Instead, I will allow you to formulate your own understanding if, indeed, it means anything to you.  

  I also do not apologize for being so candid concerning myself.  In the past some have stated that I am too transparent. I believe God still speaks to His people in visions and dreams; however, in this day and age we fear being ridiculed and labeled as crazy by friends, family and strangers. And you are right to feel this way because that is exactly what they said about all of the prophets and preachers of old, but you shouldn't let that stop you.  

 Am I the last man who does not fear being considered a fool for Christ? I don't think so. If we were more willing to share our visions and dreams with others we would soon learn that God is still speaking to His people and that He has never ceased to do so. A dear friend of mine, Colon Jones, recently shared this:

 "God's blessings are not to end with you but, instead, they are to flow through you".  

"And they overcame him because of the blood of the Lamb and because of the word of their testimony, and they did not love their life even when faced with death". 
-Revelation 12:11

I love you all.
Dennis

My Special Gift

"I Love my son and am proud of my son"

Robert H. Schuller

  On Sunday mornings I usually tune-in to a television program called Sunday Morning hosted by Charles Osgood.  This particular morning there was a segment about autistic children and how Disney movies have helped many autistic children to better communicate and socialize with the "outside world".  The program featured a young autistic man who was diagnosed at age three and who is now attending college. He, (and many other autistic students), each have a certain proclivity for Walt Disney movies and they have even formed a Disney Club where they come together and watch their favorite Disney movies. It was amazing and touching to see them discus the movies, sing the songs in unison and display characteristics which society has determined autistic people are incapable of ever being able to show. 

  My dear son, David, (whom many of you know has autism), is displaying many of these same traits at home because of his love of Disney programs. He and I can sing Doctor Seuss songs at anytime of the day or night and he never tires of it. I enjoy seeing his eyes light up as we both act out certain parts of the songs.  He routinely asks me to take him to certain stores because he has amazing intuition as to where to find certain plush characters. Our hit list consists of Target, Goodwill, Barnes & Noble, Walmart, Kmart and The Disney store in the mall. It's as if he has received a personal message that the character he is wanting is here or there.  I believe each autistic child has their own "gift". 

  David is now 16 years old and will be graduating to the 11th grade next year. He has an excellent teacher who is masterful at combining the basic elements of education with life skills that he and his peers will use in their adult life to enable them to be more self sufficient. The classes that were once mandatory for us when we were in grade school; home economics, typing/computer use, jobs, art, physical education, personal hygiene, doing laundry, baking and learning how to do laundry, (to name a few), are artfully incorporated in his daily regimen.  When school is over David is eager to come home and relax with his computer, DVDs and television programs.  When people tell me that I should take away his characters and his collection of movies and toys so that he can "grow up", I am secure in my stance that David has learned to associate and communicate through these items and I see no harm in allowing my son to be himself. Besides, what do people feel I should replace these things with? A toy gun? Or perhaps I should force him to sit down and learn to watch The Real Housewives of Atlanta or some sexually explicit program?  I think not.

  When all is said and done, No one truly has the answer to raising an autistic child. It hurts me when some people fear my son but those who encounter David daily or even for the first time in a store, the mall, or on the street will attest that he is one of the most polite and lovable people they have ever met.

  He has caused me to broaden my perspective and not to sweat the small stuff because it is all small stuff. Because David is not able or willing to communicate pain I am in continual vigilance of his behavior. In other words, he has been my main source for obtaining patience, introspection and gentleness towards others.

  Thank you for listening.

  I love you all,

  Dennis     

  

Not Always Happy, But Always Forgiven.

Change is unavoidable. Sometimes it's a change from within, sometimes it's an external change. Whatever the means, it is still change.   When one feels that they are where they are going to be for the remainder of their life, another plan sometimes emerges from places never conceived. As adults we pride ourselves on planning our lives through education, family planning, whether to marry or remain single, or where to live. I suppose that is why it is difficult when a situation arises that may send you North instead of South; East as opposed to West. 

  You desire to work in a particular job forever and retire but there comes a sudden change. You marry and have certain expectations and that dream falls short. You desire that your children excel in school and attend a college where they blossom and attain a standard of living that exceeds anything you have ever acquired, but they go in a totally different direction.  The list goes on and on.

 This morning my thoughts are of King David, (in the Bible). David was a man called by God at a very young age. Even he believed that his older brothers were "better fitted" for the tasks that God had called him to do but he was obedient and followed God. But I don't want to relegate this writing to a sermon. I want to fast-forward through King David's life of accomplishments and focus on him during his trying times; such as when King Saul was out to kill him out of sheer jealously, his adultery with the married Bathsheba and his order to have her husband killed. The death of his child and feeling alone and abandoned, (even by his God), on several occasions.  

  If we were to only focus on King David's achievements we would conclude that he was totally blessed and above reproach. But as for me, I find more of a kinship with him when I read of his faults and mistakes and of his falling short of the mark. Why? Because that is what life actually brings to us. Disappointments in ourselves, in other people, in the organization we work in and in our government. 

 Just this morning I read a post from a good friend which stated that we should never say we are sick of church; but rather say that we are sick of organized religion. I understood this immediately. Church is of God whereby organized religion is of man.  When I learned the difference between the two many yeas ago I was able to keep a smile on my face and a song in my heart even when my character, my feelings, my accomplishments and my manhood was being grievously attacked from the outside; even when I was the one who was in error. 

  Yes, I have made many mistakes. I have fallen short during my life and will most likely fall short again several times before I die. I believe one of the greatest lessons I have learned this year is not to beat yourself up when you fall short or do not fulfill a commitment. 

  My dear friends, we all have sinned and fall short of God's expectations of us. So smile. Smile that no other is in control of your soul but God. Smile because you have lived another day to be a better person than you were yesterday. Smile because you are making a difference in someone's life by simply posting a thought or an encouraging word on Facebook.  And believe me when I say that God notices every seemingly insignificant act you do towards others; especially strangers.  

 I'm going out to do some things around town and I will reflect and meditate on good things and good people as I do.  Don't stay down!
I love you all,
Dennis